The (unintended) messages in our communication

We all learn new things every day, I learn new things every day. Today, for the first time in my life, I heard about the so-called “communication square”, or the four-sided model from Friedemann Schulz von Thun, and then took a closer look at it. Exciting, because this model explains why misunderstandings can occur in communication and how they happen. Because messages can be sent or received differently.

Communication is the fabric that holds human society together. But despite the many words we exchange every day, our messages are often not as clear as we would like. According to the model, every spoken word has four different faces. Every face hides its own message waiting to be heard, felt, seen or understood.

The many facets of a message

The “what” in the message

Every word spoken carries a clear message. It is the expressed intention that floats on the surface of our consciousness. You could call it the factual information that you can absorb just by listening. But there are other messages lurking beneath this surface.

The “how” in the message

In addition to what is said, the “how” is also very important. The way someone speaks often reveals more about the person than the actual words. This message is revealed in the intonation, tone, tempo and volume of the speaker. It can allow conclusions to be drawn about the emotional state and attitude to the matter being discussed.

The “self-statement” in the message

Even if we don't intend it, our words often reveal more about us than we realize. With every sentence we utter, we reveal something about ourselves, we share something about ourselves - whether we want to or not. This self-statement can be as simple as our likes and dislikes, or it can reveal deeper aspects of ourselves, such as our fears, hopes and dreams.

The “relationship statement” in the message

Every statement also contains a message about the relationship between the speaker and the recipient. It shows how the speaker sees the recipient and what kind of relationship he has with him. This message can sometimes say more than a thousand words.

Understanding and misunderstanding messages

Let's look at the problem of misinterpretation. The problem with all of these hidden messages is that they are often misunderstood. Receivers may focus on a particular message and ignore the others, or they may interpret a message in a way that was not intended by the speaker. This can lead to conflicts and misunderstandings that are often difficult to resolve.

Our perception plays a big role in interpreting these messages. Each of us has our own unique perspective on the world, shaped by our experiences, beliefs and values. This perspective determines what messages we hear and how we interpret them.

Navigating the square of messages

Conscious listening is very important! Because one way to deal with the complexity of these fourfold messages is to listen consciously. This means actively paying attention to all four messages and trying to understand them in their context. This requires patience, openness and the ability to put aside our own biases and assumptions.

Open communication

Another method is open communication. If we are unsure about what message the speaker is trying to convey, we can ask questions and ask for clarity. At the same time, we can also speak clearly and openly about our own messages and explain what we really want to say.

Communication is an art, and like any art, there are many layers and nuances to discover and understand. The four faces of our messages – the factual information, the expression, the self-statement and the relationship statement – ​​are part of this art. By learning to recognize and understand these messages, we can improve our communication skills and build deeper and more fulfilling relationships.

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