When the postilion rings twice

Mimikama Column: “I’m sitting here at the head of my table.” In this column, topics from the Internet are examined with a touch of irony. By Jens H., mimikama.org

Once again I'm sitting here at the head of my table, reflecting on the last few days in my head, there was a lot going on, there are currently no butterflies outside, which I suspect may be due to the lateness of the day, but they are perked up by one A swarm of dancing mosquitoes and a flight of moths are represented. When I look at the impressive number of mosquitoes, I am quite happy that the window pane is between them and me. These little flying piranhas are definitely looking for cracks and gaps in order to get through and bleed me, then I'm lying here at the head of my table, wrinkled like dried fruit, flies are buzzing around me like an old apple, that can't be allowed. In a panic, I look for several cans Bug spray, hopefully I'll hit the little beasts.

Just don't get tired, if only there was someone here so we could take turns at the guard post, so I have to keep myself awake, well that could be something, me alone, at night, getting more and more tired and then staying awake. I could tell myself stories, I always found Rübezahl exciting, or Tom Sawyer, but I can't read, then a mosquito will definitely sneak up from behind and take my life. I hear a quiet buzzing, at the back left, no right, I turn and just see out of the corner of my eye the cell phone whirring quietly as it approaches the edge of the table and jumps down, note to self, vibration alarm on a smooth surface is not one of my most brilliant ideas, however I have the idea of ​​purchasing a more stable version, because the brave little thing continues to hum and vibrate alarms down there. If I could get to it now, I could stay awake with a caller.

Night fare melancholy

Oh, what an uplifting time those were when calling at night was cheaper, night tariff, you just called someone at night because it was cheaper. Admittedly, not everyone was thrilled about the nighttime disruption, some shouted something about the early shift, but then they just called someone else and now someone wants to reach me and I can't reach the phone, irony of fate. Isn't there something else buzzing? Higher, more feverish, more mosquitoy? No, not really, I relax a bit and think about what else I could do to avoid falling asleep, oh yes, I wanted to tell myself a story, since I can't read the classics for a given occasion, I'll probably choose one of the newer ones decide, hmmm, “The Seal Girl”, “Piets Stand” or “Sola”?

I decide on “Sola” and think about life as a balloon for a while, until a thought comes to me from behind, very quietly, and asks if we want to hang out together for a while. I want to rudely chase him away, but he spoke continued “Can mosquitoes bite balloons?”

Just don't make an elephant out of a mosquito

Great, you stupid thought, I almost managed to forget the mosquito for a moment and then you come, just don't show up here again, it's an impudence, you're disturbing me in my inner, highly intellectual self-talk, I might still have able to learn something, now I'm completely out of the topic, great job. So keep watching the mosquitoes, they probably won't sleep, otherwise you wouldn't go to bed in the evening and wake up next morning almost bloodless. But would the fear of mosquitoes to this extent mean that they would mutate into an elephant? This may seem entertaining at first, but if you then think about the fact that the cattle have only grown, but the bloodthirst is still there, then you will definitely be afraid and anxious. A mosquito sucks an average of 0.005 ml of blood, an adult or fully grown human contains 5 to 6 liters of the valuable lifeblood, making 6,000 ml, so according to Adam Riese and Eva Zwerg, it takes 120,000 mosquitoes at once to shrivel up a person. 120,000 mosquitoes? I don't want to hear that, horror movie noise.

Now let's take the bloodsucker that we mutated into an elephant before, if it still retains its bloodthirst, then things will get serious, very serious, even very very serious, because a full-grown elephant, we didn't let our guard down and our mosquito upgraded to a truly magnificent specimen, Pu-Lorn, the terrible one, is an orphan compared to our model, white and huge, enormously huge, white, because then you can see the blood better, makes more impression. So when this gorgeous guy puts his trunk and sucks, then in no time at all 6, in words six, liters of the victim are in the trunk and shortly afterwards in the elephant. So people, whatever you do, never, never turn a mosquito into an elephant, that's unhealthy. Why doesn't anyone make a film about blood-sucking elephants? There are also films about hurricanes with sharks, oh and I share in the proceeds...

But I'd rather watch TV

My thoughts then start to worry me a bit, so I spontaneously decide to spend an evening in front of the TV, so I grab the remote control and let's see what happens.

“Jaws” is unfortunately on a channel with commercial breaks, which might still be acceptable if it weren't for the last interruption just before the last sentence and the end credits. Due to the previous interruptions, the film ended up being several times longer than it would have been in the cinema Cost of extra length surcharge, but with popcorn and without interruption, due to this deliberate delaying of the end for purely monetary reasons, I have now fallen asleep shortly before the end of so many films and thus missed them that I would have a wall of unfinished books if I had watched them I would have bought books about the films as reduced, defective copies, where the last 3 pages were always missing.

So keep browsing, sports, oh no not today, documentaries about the murder of JFK, but again only a few conspiracy theories are examined, not all of them and not enough. It's a shame, the theories are always entertaining, some even up to a certain point Point is understandable, as long as you always keep enough distance internally, then you can enjoy it like an exciting variant of a well-known story, but it's also not for me at this moment so I keep zapping.

Oh, that looks interesting, regional program, young people are being interviewed there, I'll stick with it, it's about refugees, well, then that's the topic, but on tanks on the one private channel and for the umpteenth time "The end of the DDR” on the other hand, I don’t feel like it either.

Man-eaters among us

WHAT?! What is she saying? A refugee ate a child? Hey, stop now, no one believes you? I get my internet, but now I want to know exactly, so I query the local search engine in Neuland and almost immediately I actually find the report, I'm shocked, my whole body is shaking, there's actually a Syrian refugee in Heidenau ate a small child. My mind does somersaults, not the happy ones, more like sheer panic, that can't be true? I want to know more, I'm virtually leafing through the page, let's see what else I find, my throat is already tightening as a precaution.

Another current topic, police operations against demonstrators, how far do they protect us and when do they become arbitrary police violence? In Cologne, according to the site, police officers observed a demonstration of around 50 minors who were armed with batons and pyrotechnics and loudly shouting slogans. Is police intervention not justified in this case? Batons, pyrotechnics and slogans, that sounds like a violent demonstration group and, according to the report, they actually put up considerable resistance when they were arrested and gave several nasty kicks to the officers. Some officials were even given sick leave. The violent youngsters are said to have chanted “Saint Martin”. Who is this Martin, why is he being called and what was he singing? But I'm torn here, on the one hand I find police operations against minors questionable, because after all the little ones are supposed to build trust in our friend and helper, but what if they resist?

Next, my eye falls on a headline, like my best friend Harald , I am also in the fortunate position of being able to immediately acquire a comprehensive opinion based on a headline, including the associated background knowledge, as is the case with this one: “Ambulances will be equipped with plows to clear emergency lanes can". My first thought, well finally, it's best to equip the crew with Gotcha pistols against the gawkers, anyone who stands in the way will be warned, anyone who doesn't step aside will get a charge on the camera lens, with a bit of luck the colleague will hit their target, if not, well He was warned by the gawker that if you don't want to hear, you have to feel.

Little angels and devils

While I'm slowly thinking myself into brass, my circulation is jogging around the room, the little devil is laying down a perfect kasachok on my shoulder and my eyebrows are celebrating their reunion, my shoulder angel comes strolling up at a leisurely pace, rumbling around with a toothpick in his mouth, and asks the fateful question " Have you actually checked the source?” Tell me, what kind of fool are you now? My gaze hits him hard, he staggers, but he doesn't fall. ""I'm the counterpart to the Klopskopp." He replies calmly and points to the kasatchoking shoulder devil. “Yes, it’s really embarrassing sometimes.” Somehow I feel strange, talking to myself, yes, but with two strange characters? I thought I'd gotten out of the old age with imaginary friends by now, apparently not, great, then puberty will definitely come soon, that can be fun. “So the source was checked?” The winged comrade is pretty pushy. “No,” I growl, “It’s on the internet, so it’s true, why should I check anything?” “Exactly, it’s in the newspaper, so it’s true.” The wing fuzzi laughs maliciously, “Not in the newspaper, you flabby fool, in INTERNET, it's much more up-to-date, faster and you can always find the truth." "Yes, if you look for it properly, but you didn't look, you noob."

Did he just say noob? I raise an eyebrow and glare at him again, he staggers again but doesn't fall. The cell phone saves this surreal situation and vibration alerts me sliding on the floor, so the cell phone doesn't slide, back to reality, thanks, but I still can't get close.

Source check

But at least now I'm able to talk to myself again without any strange figures on my shoulders, I hope.

I then decide to follow the source, which is easier with written sources than with river sources, which, like an internet source, are certainly an origin, but the only true, real one, that's where the flow starts, the source can you can't pursue it much further. But contrary to my habit, I digress completely.

So I find the source, I use Neuland's search engine again and enter the name of the page. Wow, I really made a fool of myself, got way too excited and upset. There is the postilion, the source of my mental excitement, it is a satirical site. That's not funny, well a little bit when I think of all my fellow sufferers out there who fall for headlines like that every day.

Oh, just thank you

There's only one thing left for me to do, I would like to take this opportunity to thank all the well-made satire sites over in Neuland, thank you for the many smiles and laughs you give us, but also thank you to everyone who doesn't see through the satire and us then entertained with their reactions, without you the virtual world would be poorer in terms of humor, intentional or not.